Life in the Trenches

Animated Project

2011-10-26T15:39:00.000-07:00

I've decided to do an animated project. The storyboards are completed and I've begun looking for voice actors. All I's needs is to learn to animate. Judging by the dreck I see on TV, it shouldn't be terribly hard. I bought a program called "Toon Boom Animate." That program is mad powerful, yo. Once I figure out how to use that, bing bang boom: cartoon.

Don't read this

2010-11-01T13:53:00.001-07:00

This is meaningless. I'm just posting to post something. Oh lordie, what has become of me?

Wow

2010-04-06T13:25:00.001-07:00

I haven't typed on this bad boy in basically forever. Well, I'm doing some writing and my brother is my new roommate. Things are going well so far, but I imagine there's going to be a showdown about whose turn it is to clean the George Foreman grill.

Weird Office Snails

2009-10-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

There hasn't been a new episode of Weird Office Tales in over a year. For that, I apologize. But rest assured that the new episode is finished or "in the can" in film parlance. But wouldn't you know it, as soon as we finished editing the Final Cut Program decided to take a big dump on our faces.

The program keeps dropping frames and won't even play the episode on the timeline. Which is weird, because it was working fine whilst we edited. Anyway, my co-writer Karlito has been wracking his brain to figure it out, but it looks pretty grim. I really don't want to re-edit the whole thing. Although if we had, we would have finished it by now instead of trying to fix it. If it happened again, though I'd be crestfallen. Major league falling of crests, yo.

Anyway, muchachos rest assured a new episode is on the way.

Musclebound

2009-09-22T15:08:00.001-07:00

I really want to get ripped. I mean, muscle wise. But this thought usually only lasts a few days and then I decide I'm happy with being a pudgy loser. Muscles would be nice though. Except that I think people would always want me to lift stuff and do more work. That doesn't really jive with me.

Book it!

2009-09-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

Damn! I haven't updated this in forever! Sorry muchachos! But I think I'm finally going to finish my wizard novel. I've been thinking about it for 2 years and I would finally like to put that to bed. Who cares if I think it's derivative? No one's going to read it but me, right? Anyway, I might post the new pages online so stay tuned!

Also, on Saturday I went to a Roller Derby. It was great fun and a high energy environment. Those girls looked good and were vicious! I'll put more deets later. Work has been a bit slow lately, so I can do more writing.

By Crom!

2009-07-13T16:15:00.001-07:00

Yeah, I've been thinking about Conan the Barbarian a lot these days. What would he do if he was in my skechers ? I bet he wouldn't take crap from nobody, and he'd straight-up grab a girl he liked and hoist her over his shoulder.

But he'd drink lots of wine, which I think I'm more of a beer man.

My friend and I were playing the boardgame "Age of Conan" last night. It's a pretty fun strategy game, but I still feel unsatisfied. I need to fulfill my barbarian lusts.

I think it's time to get my replica broadsword and head over to my aunt's backyard. There, I will swing the sword wildly with no shirt on. This will lasts about 3-5 hours before I become winded and pass out on the burnt grass.

Rave

2009-06-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

I was invited to go to a rave this weekend. I heard everyone gets real lovey dovey, so the odds of making out with a crazy amount of chicks is appealing, but what if I do some E and end up in my underwear in the middle of a field? I can't go through that again!

Anybody been to one of these? The thought of being packed together with a bunch of sweaty dancers reminds me of that scene in Matrix Reloaded and that feels me with anxiety. Unless...you think Carrie Anne Moss will be there?

No Soup For Me

2009-04-28T08:47:00.001-07:00

Well, the boat tour is over. It was a raging success. If by 'raging sucess' you mean a horrible ordeal. Which it was. I burned through the expense account in one afternoon of attacking the mini bar. And then didn't have anything left to show the seniors a good time. (I think they spent the majority of the sea voyage playing shuffle board and talking about their grand kids or some such nonsense.)

All was for naught anyway. Upon reaching dry land we learned that the line of vanity soups was cancelled due to a large rat being accidently put into a can of minestrone. Well, all for the best I suppose. I still got to keep my upfront money (a whopping $762) and I received a few free trips to the state fairgrounds all across this great nation.

I can't complain.

Notes from the Soup Cruise

2009-04-06T16:51:00.000-07:00

Audiofile from Matthew's voice recorder. Recorded on 3/30/09.

Matthew: "Okay, so we're just going to brainstorm some activities to do on this cruise. Y'know, something fun, but something that won't take a lot of effort."

Frederick: "Well, [the soup company] did budget $5,000 for the activities. You know, with food and set up, drinks..."

M: "Whoa, whoa. Drinks? I am not buying these people drinks. Besides isn't that included with the price of the cruise?"

F: "Not this one. They were discounted tickets on account that it's really just a glorified floating commercial for your soup line."

M: "Pfft! Sure, 'my' soup line."

F: "Are you done?"

M: "No."

F: "Well, since this is a 60's and over crowd..."

M: "Seriously? No hot chicks? Oh this just keeps getting better and better..."

F: "...we have to stay away from strenuous activities."

M: "Oh for Pete's sake let's just do a blind 'guess the flavor of soup' game and be done with it!"

F: "And what will we do the other three days?"

M: "..."

F: "Well?"

M: "Fine! Use the money to buy booze. We'll just liquor them up so they don't know what's what."

F: "Good choice."

M: "And when we get back, I'm going to see about getting you fired."

F: "Nothing would make me happier."

Unneeded Assistance

2009-03-09T15:59:00.001-07:00

Well, apparently the soup company makes a better contract than they do a bouillabaisse. I'm doomed, it seems, to let my good name be sullied in this exercise in taste bud evisceration.

A press conference was held last night at the Marriot near the airport. I pulled a Joaquin Phoenix and kept mum the whole time, staring off into space wearing my $500 Ray Bans. The on-hand soup rep fielded all the questions while constantly making apologies for me. Something about "how temperamental artists can be." Fah! He should be apologizing to the American people about this piss they are pawning off as food.

My agent -- well not really an agent, more like a woman who works at the comic book store who I hire to answer the phone for me -- said that the soup company is really starting to play hard ball. Yolanda said if I don't watch it, I'll end up in debtor's prison. (Do they even have that anymore?)

Now to make sure I behave, they've given my a jail keeper. Well, that's what I call him; technically, he's an "assistant." But all he does is hang around and make sure I fulfill all my contractual obligations. His name is Frederick, and he thinks he's going to write scripts about unicorns and make lots of money in the studio system. Oh the deluded fool. If he knew what I knew (that the current script market is literally flooded with unicorn scripts) then he would stop all this foolishness and go back to Westmore, Illinois.

Well, now he's knocking on the bathroom door, I guess I had better go. Something about visiting a local soup kitchen to fling slop at homeless people. God, if they knew how bad this swill tastes they would prefer to starve to death.

Betrayal in the Kitchen of Good and Evil

2009-03-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

Damn Augusto! Damn him in the eyes!

I am trying to create a soup here, and he is constantly butting heads with me. Constantly!

Okay, maybe I should back up a bit. The two long island iced teas are not doing their job of calming me down. In fact, I think I feel MORE like driving a 3 foot steel spike through Augusto's fat fucking face.

See, I was hired by a very large soup company, to create a line of vanity soups. Soups that said, "Look out world, this is me, and I have my own ideas about what a delicious soup should be like!" I met with executives and ad men and everyone seemed very excited about this prospect.

The fact that I spent more time with advertising people should have set off some alarms. But I didn't think anything of it. I was too focused on how we were going to create a soup revolution. In my hubris, I had already been thinking of moving up to a line of stews, maybe even...chili.

So, imagine my surprise when I met their head chef and after we posed for a few photos he tried to shoo me away. Shoo! I am not shoo'ed. I am the one who does the shoo-ing.

When I first starting proposing ideas, he listened attentively for awhile, but his whole demeanor was one of a parent listening to a child prattle on about being an astronaut or joining the circus. He was humoring me, but eventually after I refused to notice his oh-so-subtle hints about my leaving, he clapped his hands together and asked to be excused.

But we're not done yet! I exclaimed. We've only discussed the art of the first soup can! What about the radishes! What about the beets!

And then. He. Ignored. Me.

Just kept on walking like he hadn't heard me, which I know goddamn well that he did. I practically yelled it across the kitchen. All the kitchen help (Ivy-league brown nosers) consciously avoided making eye contact as they chopped vegetables and cleaned cutlery.

So, I guess bottom line is that the company just wants me to put the Matthew name on a line of pre-existing soups. They weren't interested in my ideas, just trying to cash in on my celebrity.

Oh! It burns my bacon so bad. All things wouldn't be lost if I could get Augusto on my side, but he's made his bed to sleep with corporate America and knows full well that theirs is the teat he must supple.

I'm meeting with my five lawyers after I'm done here to discuss getting out of this contract. If they aren't serious about soups, then I honestly have no interest in working with them. They can keep their millions.

Vanity

2009-02-12T13:16:00.001-08:00

Vanity
Current mood: blissful

As regular readers, I'm sure you're well aware that this blog is read by those in the highest echelons of power: the movers, the shakers, titans of commercial and artistic pursuits. So, it will be of no surprise when I announce that I have been contacted by a well-known firm to produce a line of vanity soups.

Those who are aware of how these things work, know that I cannot disclose the name of the company without falling in breach of a non-disclosure agreement. Let me just say that it rhymes with pambell's moop.

But enough of such wearisome matters; what truly interests you, what you really want to know is: what flavor soups will come out on the "Matthew's Krazy Kitchen" line! (That name will probably change after I market test it.)

As I am a devotee of root-based vegetables, the first will be a carrot/ lime pea number with clam sauce. Next will be a turnip soup with turkey bacon bits. That a potato soup with flakes of shaved coconut will be made is, of course, a foregone conclusion.

I'm still dabbling with an onion / beet combo, but I'm flummoxed when thinking of a proper "binding food." It will come in time, I suppose, as I still have ample opportunity while my lawyers work out the details of the deal.

Each container of soup will come in a reusable crystal bottle, shaped like Percy's titular character in his poem "Ozymandias." (This symbolizes the enduring power of soup.) To reuse the bottle, one will simply visit any ARCO gas station or Love's Truck Stop and refill it from a convenient vending machine. Just look for the logo with the smiling Armadillo.

Paint Job

2009-02-02T10:22:00.000-08:00

How the hell do you paint on plastic? I had a guy at work ask me to do a project for him which involved painting on plastic. Now, I don't have much experience painting. Period. Much less painting on various plastic surfaces. I told him as much, but he needed it in a hurry and his usual guy couldn't turn it around in less than a month. I did it in a few days and it looks like something an 8 year old would do. I might as well have used crayon on this thing. Plastic!

They're pieces of an ATV or something. He wanted a racing stripe and the words "Seabass" on it. I used Acrylic paint, but it just looks bad. Just bad. He probably won't even pay me for it.

Well, whatever, I was doing him a favor. I got a shit ton of other projects to work on. I can't be painting some lame job on a redneck seqway! That's what he gets for believing in me! Caveat Emptor!

Doogie Howser, MD epic theme

2009-01-21T11:02:00.000-08:00

The last part of this cracked me up.

Duck Hunt Dog Gets It

2009-01-08T17:14:00.001-08:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

New Year Same Channel

2009-01-08T10:34:00.000-08:00

The new year has begun and I'm feeling pretty good about it. It's like a whole new chance to totally disappoint and embarrass myself. It's going to be awesome.

I'm currently working on a little project, a comic book about the Frog and Toad detectives. Years ago I did a few comic strips on my blog. They were neat characters to draw and I enjoyed writing a comedy cop procedural story, but eventually I didn't have time to work on it .

So, I'm going to pick that up with a new story and a new look -- I'm doing it all by hand instead of through a computer (penciling, inking, coloring, lettering). I'll probably post them online when it's finished, but unlike last time, I don't want to serialize it, just because I think it needs to be read in one sitting. But until then, you can always check out the strips from back in the day! (LINK! from the blog -scroll down to the bottom for the first strip.)

Enough boring stuff: so anyway I go to the titty bar last night, and this one dancer who looks like Sarah Silverman pulls me aside and wants me to buy her drinks. As you well know, my weakness is for pretty women, and of course if she looks like my favorite female comic then I'm helpless. (Her teeth were kind of a mess though -- a shame really.) Well, this chick could really put it away, I mean, mucho vodka shots, and mixed drinks later I'm getting a lap dance from two girls, one who looks like the late Betty Page in her prime.

Money down the drain, folks. But at the time it all seemed like a proper investment. Shit, I got a better return than if I invested in Bear Stearns, right?

I guess what I'm saying is that strip clubs are kind of like a fantasy where you meet your dream girls. And then have them rub your boner with their knee.

Megaman's Ulitmate Boss

2009-01-05T09:47:00.001-08:00

Aw Man

2008-12-29T09:46:00.000-08:00

I got escorted off the plane last night by some nice officers. Apparently, the woman behind me thought I was being too loud and too "in your face." Man, I barely didn't end up in Guantanamo Bay. I'm making a $ 200 donation to the ACLU as soon as I find my wallet. Take THAT, lady!

Boy and His Sock

2008-12-27T10:28:00.000-08:00

Hey dudes and dudettes! Here's a new video. While it's not a "Weird Office Tales." It is something that we all worked on. Ch-ch-ch-ch check it out.

Nintendo POWER!

2008-12-18T17:12:00.000-08:00

This is a weird video starring some vintage Nintendo stuff. Too long, but pretty funny.

AdultCon

2008-12-15T12:28:00.000-08:00

The blond girl with pig-tails spread her legs. The cameras flashed. She was wearing a fishnet shirt and a short skirt. I whipped out my camera and took a few pictures over the Mexican guy's head in front of me. I'm of the school of thought that when a woman spreads her legs, you capitalize on the situation.

Yup, I was at the Adultcon. The premier convention for all things pornographic. We paid the 35 bucks at the door and in return we were given a plastic bracelet, some junk fliers and a black poker chip worth 5 dollars on site.

That chip was the most interesting item. At every booth there was a sign saying "Spend Your Chip Here!" I had it, and everyone wanted it. But did I want a shirt that said "I (heart) Vaginas?" in giant block letters? I mean, I barely wear the last one I bought.

Along with DVD's there were other items like, bejeweled chokers that said "Slut" and "Bitch." Words, I wouldn't call a woman without her cutting me off in traffic. I wonder how well those sold. Can you imagine a husband giving that to his wife for their 10 year anniversary? Sure it's trashy, but it is still technically jewelry.

Fake vaginas were on display, but their selection was pretty dismal. The pink plastic was neon, and it felt more like the plastic they make fake worms out of.

But we came for the pornstars. And while there were porn actors, the only "Star" I saw was Mr. Ron Jeremy. He's as attractive in real life as he is in the movies. He was hocking some energy drink and some boner pills. I did a mouthful of each and moved on.

The show floor wasn't actually that big. Not nearly as big as Wizard World and certainly not as big as Comic-con. Nobody was cosplaying. That was disappointing. There were also no speeches or seminars. "How to Make Love the Porno Way" would have been nice. or "Tips on Breaking into the Biz." Or "Porn Through the Ages." Something, anything. But no, there was nothing free at all.

What they did have was pretty weird. Some porn actresses would have little inflatable beds with a little blanket and pillow, and for a price you could get a picture with her and you in the bed. I have no idea what the appeal is. But some girls you could rub down their legs and others would give you a lap dance. All under the harsh fluorescent lights and in front of tens of people. Fun stuff.

I spent my chip on some interactive porn with Leah Luv and called it a day. All in all a rich full day, but I won't be going back next year. Oh, who am I kidding, I already reserved my ticket!

Star Trek Trailer

2008-11-18T11:02:00.000-08:00

The new Star Trek trailer dropped online yesterday. And I have to admit, it got my pretty psyched. I don't know how I feel about the whole troubled teen aspect of Captain Kirk, but I guess I can let that slide if it doesn't take up too much movie. The space battle with the Kelvin looks action packed and reminiscent of the opening of Episode III. But I don't know...could have used a tribble.

Bond Review

2008-11-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

The new James Bond Movie comes out tomorrow! It's called The Quantum of Silence! I've seen it and it's pretty rad. The film opens with a high speed chase and doesn't let up from there. Keith Craig is great as the new Bond. He has the bluest eyes I have ever seen on screen. He has the charm of Jeff Fahey without the weird tan.

The song is also good by the Wide Stripes Jake White and Alicia Keyes. Finally, there's some naked lady silohettes in the opening credits! That last movie was a disappointing sausage fest. Am I right, guys?

It pretty much picks up immediately after Royal Casino with Bond distraught over the death of Vester. He's a haunted man out for revenge! His mother M has to try and control her wild son, but he won't be sated until he finds those responsible.

One thing I didn't like is in MI:2 headquarters, their computer monitors are all activated by voice and touch which gives a vibe more like Star Trek or Minority Report. It seems like those things should be in the future and takes away from the realism they were going for. I don't know, let me know what you think.

The Bond Girl is Olga Guyrurlejeke(sp?) She was cool in both Max Pain and Hitmen, so she's definitely a good choice here. I forget her character's name but she is not all she seems. I think she's working for the bad guys or she isn't.

It's a shorter movie with no fat. I'm not sure how I feel about a haunted James Bond, and it doesn't really feel like a TRUE James Bond movie (He doesn't say his trademark line "Call me James. James Bond."), but as far as an action movie goes this is one easy way to spend 15 bucks.

Rating: 8 out of 10

Obama wins!

2008-11-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

Yeah, if this is the first place you heard it, then you are my number 1 fan, and I will send you a check for 15 dollars. But a black guy is our new president-elect! That's pretty pimp, right?

Man I need to update this site more.

Stabby McStabbins

2008-10-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

Stabby McStabbins
Current mood: hungover

I bought this knife the other day. It's a pretty cool one. Not exactly John Rambo, but more something a Resident Evil character might have. It's light and pointy and sharp. Every time I pull it from its sheath and makes that sound swords make in pirate movies. Ssssssshing!

The biggest concern is how do I get good with a knife? I mean more like fighting mother fuckers and less dicing celery. How do you hold the knife in combat? Where are the best points to stab? What if the other guy has a knife?

In movies sometimes a James Bond type character will get in a situation and he has to throw the knife and land it right in a bad dude's forehead. Pok! I would like to know how to do that, I think that is something I would like to break out at dinner parties.

"What do you mean we're out of canapes?" Pok!

Birfday

2008-10-13T13:55:00.001-07:00

Today is mein birthday. Yeah! I'm at work but as soon as I'm out of here I am all about hitting the Outback steakhouse.

I've gone to the Outback every birthday for the past 7 years, and I can't let the streak die! And the thing is--I don't even want to go to Outback tonight. I'd be happy eating some Lean Pockets or whatever. But it's tradition and pretty much the only one I respect. I will eat the ceremonial steak. Even if that steak tastes like a piece of charred bootstrap.

Also, a bit of trivia: this is the 1,000th post. Holy shit! This thing has been going for 4 years now! What the eff? I mean really, what the eff?

Blahs

2008-10-07T16:42:00.001-07:00

Yeah, so lately I've been feeling depressed. Which is a feeling I'm not too keen on because I live in the greatest country in the world and titties, drugs, and booze are a simple trip down the road. I think it's because fall is coming and so is my birthday. So maybe we can make a list of things to be happy about. Fun-skees!

1) porno - it's pretty much everywhere and pretty much free
2) Talking Heads - They got some great music and a surprisingly deep catalog of tasty jams.
3) Stella Artois - a fine Belgium beer that goes down smooth. But alcohol is also a depressant, so I think we should strike this one from the list.
4) Velcro - I think it's cool how it sounds when it rips
5) nylon rope - If I wanted to hang myself, this would be the go-to choice.
6.) chicks - who don't call back and who find me 'cold' and 'alienating' or 'needy'
7) ovens - Blow out the pilot light, stick my head in and lah dee dah. I'm a Slyvia Plath lookalike.
8) Lists === ugh...this isn't working....

I think I just need to........bluh.....blahaklajfdlkjaflkjafdlkjadflkj;afdlk;jasfaasdfasdfasdf

Moneys

2008-09-30T22:54:00.001-07:00

Yeah, uh, sorry for the lack of updates. I've been on the horn with my banker all week. He tells me to relax and that $2,000 isn't that much money, y'know, OVERALL. In the grand scheme of things. Which, I guess is true. But it's not like it's his money, right? I can't help shake the feeling that he's lying to me, and that he's been lying to me for quite some time.

Everyone is scared, running around with their fingers in their ears going "Bluh, bluh" with snot coming down their noses and wearing pink tank tops. I don't understand it. I remember back in the day when my girlfriend was all wanting me to buy a house. Well, lookie where that attitude got this country! Wall Street's in the pisser and I'm blogging in my apartment alone in my underwear. Now who's the loser?

I don't know where I was going with that antecdote.

The point is, don't panic. I've stockpiled about week's worth of rations and I have a hammer that I've gotten pretty good at swinging. I've been practicing my Death Stroke on watermelons, and I feel (deep down in my bones, mind you) that I can survive the coming apocalypse. You should prepare too. So you can feel what I feel.

Because they will come, in the night, and they will take your Aquafina and tuna. Who's going to help you? The guy with the shoulder spikes and the mohawk? The gentleman in the metal hockey mask? No. No, they have bigger fish to fry. It's going to be you little one. It's time to fly.

Who the Fuck is DJ AM?

2008-09-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

And why should I give a shit? A quick wikipedia search says that he was involved in that horrendous song "Butterfly." If that's the case, then maybe there is a such thing as cosmic justice. Yeah, I went there.

Day 701: Typing

2008-09-17T10:04:00.000-07:00

I said that when I turned 26 I would start making my independent movie. I'm very nearly 28 now. The only thing I've come close to completing is a 12 pack of Michelob Ultra I have in my emergency earthquake supplies.

But, I have been writing and the first draft of the script is done. Done, but not typed up yet. It's hard to come home and basically do transcription, even if it's your own stuff. Hiring a secretary at this stage of the game is ludicrous, plus in these harsh economic times I doubt I would even be able to pay her.

I always thought my twenties would be like that show "Friends." Instead it's been more like that show "Empty Nest." It's a spinoff and most people don't remember it, and...uh, I guess it's nothing like Empty Nest. Maybe more like "The Ropers?"

Rap Freestyle Translated into Proper English

2008-09-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

http://view.break.com/569516 - Watch more free videos

September 11th

2008-09-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

It's been seven years since we were attacked and 3,000 people lost their lives. Here's some photos of the new Freedom Tower being erected in New York which will be 1,776 feet tall. Let's all take a moment to remember ground zero of what has become a seven year war on terror. Are we any closer today to ending the national nightmare? Or will this paranoia and endless war continue? I think it's important to take stock today.

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2008/09/seven_years_since_looking_back.html

Faces of Death

2008-09-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

I was watching some horrible accidents on youtube...and you know...any day you don't get paralyzed in a mosh pit, decapitated by a snowmobile, kicked in the throat by a soccer guy, or hit by a car...well...that's a good day, right?

Women's Bathroom (with apologies to C.Onstad)

2008-09-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

Ah hells, man, I done went into a women's bathroom! It was at the airport, man! I hads me a number 2 doin' hella damage to my guts so I went into the boy's bathroom, but they only gots 2 stalls and they be all sorts of occupied! I sees their crumpled pants down under the door and I know it's going to be all kinds of time before I get a sit-down on the porcelain throne.

SO I bolt down the airport hoping to spot a new room to do the devil's business. And I find one! I get inside and go into the first stall. (I did think it was weird how there were hella many stalls there but the lack of urinals did not register in my mind--because I did have massive turds occuping my thoughts.)

After much moving of my insides I heard a woman's voice. Damn man, I thought, she done gone in the wrong lavatory! Or else maybe she is into much raunchy sex. Maybe this is the big day, I think. But then more women's voices did commence! Holy shit! Man, I was in the ladies bathroom! Man oh goddamn!

IF they caught me there they would think I am much into perversion. And to their credit I was touching myself, but only to do the task at hand, not to nut in a ladies room! (Although now with the hindsight of a few days, perhaps this was a situation much at hand.)

Anyway, I managed to escape after waiting for the room to empty out. One lady made eye contact with me and I saw her confusion for only a moment as I did vanish into the crowd quickly.

Obama's Acceptance of the Nomination Speech

2008-08-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

I just watched Obama accept the nomination for president at the Democratic National Convention and I thought...

doesn't Joe Biden's wife look like porn star Kim Chambers?

Boob Addicts Anonymous

2008-08-25T15:09:00.001-07:00

I need to take a break from this addiction man. I need to just take a few weeks and chill the F-- out. You know what addiction I'm talking about: titties. The strip club was a little too good to me these last few times and that means I've spent more than a non-essential part of my cash.

When I think of all that money that I've spent to see titties, it is humbling. And not just strip clubs, but there's a couple of bars where the bartenders have nice titties, and then a coffee barista with a faux hawk and pierced nose, a cashier at a Ralph's and one lady who operates the frozen yogurt store in the neighborhood. Oh the amount of beers, falafels, coffee and yogurts I've purchased just to ogle for a few minutes.

And to say nothing of Internet Porn and the occasional issue of Cosmo. Shit, the main reason I helped my friend with his low budget movie was because the make-up girl was hot as balls and she loved to show cleavage.

(Which is a funny word: cleavage. To cleave? Is there some part of my brain that desires to see a woman cleaved? With all my heart, I hope not.)

Of course it has been quite some time since I ever held a real life titty in my hand. I honestly don't know what I'd do with it. Make conversation? I hope that thousands of years of evolutionary instinct will kick in and spare me a potentially embarassing situation.

Anyway, I think I've got it figured out. If I write a screenplay, novel, or television show about a strip club then it will make all my past daliances okay because it will be research. That way I'm not throwing money away, I'm investing in a future endeavor! I'm not ogling breasts, I'm creating a cast of richly textured characters. I'm leaning towards TV show with maybe five episodes. Something like, "Strip-opolis" or "Adventures on Tits Island" or something.

In the meantime I'm putting myself on a titty embargo. No boobs for a month. Or 2 weeks. 1 week. Yeah, one week and I'll be cured--I'm sure of it!

edit! 8/26 - News story about big breasts and airplanes. http://www.boingboing.net/2008/08/26/tsa-declares-war-on.html

Salsa Review: Private Selection Salsa Grande

2008-08-12T23:59:00.001-07:00

The glass jar stares at me in the blue light of my computer screen. The light creates bold shadows and reflections on and around its smooth surface. The faint strains of Clair De Lune by Debussy add a melodious complacency to the scene. As I wash down the lingering tastes of spicy tomato with a chilled Canada Dry, I can't help but feel the Almighty's hand settling down on my shoulder, massaging, giving a silent, "job well done."

I've gone through the salsa collection at the local bazaar and market. I've gone through isometric rows trying to decipher the meanings of a foreign lingulae rendered in gaudish labels. Smiling Latinos have beckoned me with their promises of a worthy salsa. Even movie stars have promised me culinary delights. All these promises have been like the liquored up come-ons of a local bar toad, disappearing into the night air as she vomits her four Long Island Iced Teas into onto the wet pavement.

But soft, I must eat another chip and replay the music. For this, the moment, must be right.

The unpretentiousness of the label is almost an affront to the tastes that lie therein. It is a bi-colored affair, black and dull purple beneath the image of four uninspired paintings of tomatoes. They could have been lifted from any 2nd year art student's still life. In the center the salsa is presented in a styrofoam bowl, having all the consistency of pooled lava with stray bits of animals that were too slow to escape its tidal rush. The generic lettering crowds the space, covering all the art work with needless adjectives, which brings into question why one would even hire a graphic artist to create the artwork if it was only going to be enshrouded with words.

Yes, this is a "generic" salsa, one created solely by the grocery to be sold at a discounted price compared to the more popular "label" brands like their brethern"Lucky Sharms" "Cheery-O's" or "Tricksss" brands of cereals. I'm as shocked as you probably are. As you probably should be.

It's full name is "Premium Quality Private Selection Salsa Grande Restaurant Style." Its genericalness is identifiable and offensive. It almost sounds like something that Borat character would write.

However, like the blind man who is an excellent ninja warrior, this salsa compensates for some detriments with increased abilities in other areas. In fact, the only areas that count.

The taste is as apparent as the beauty of a dove landing on the outstretched finger of a white child. It is rich and flavorful. At the medium setting, it is still spicy (without being too hot) and flavorful as a salty old sea dog. The consistency is not runny and not too gravelly which can also be the case when the incredients are diced too finely. I can imagine a Mexican woman chopping these vegetables with her grandmother's knife while yelling at the young ninos to stay off her flower bed. An adobe woodfire oven smolders behind her.

Even when sitting stagnate with the chips the salsa seeps in slowly, invitingly, not rushing the chip with sogginess. It gives you plenty of time to take a sip of your chilled beverage and return to grab a still-dry (!) corner of corn chip to pluck from the bowl.

Unfortunately, this does not seem to be a brand you can purchase in your own grocery. I believe it is only sold at Ralph's. Even then, I can't speak of every Ralph's, only the one in my neighborhood. It is a bizarre exclusivity of belonging to California mixed with the all embracingness of being created and sold by a major company.

If I had to fault it, it's only because it takes too many chances. It has the feel of urgency. To get everything in to one sauce. All the tastes are tossed together and,like life springing randomly from the primordial ooze, it takes root into a tasty dip. I almost wonder if one jar is different than the next? I am simultaneously thrilled and anxious at the prospect.

Overall rating: B+

With Responsibility Comes Headaches

2008-08-11T15:41:00.000-07:00

With the boss man out of town on some phoney baloney vacation, it has been left for moi to pick up the slack. This means scheduling, billing, and all in all giving good phone. In short: everything I'm bad at.

Scheduling time for the clients. I'm the worst procrastinator. You want proof? Check out my bathroom. That thing's needed to be cleaned for weeks now. There's a glob of hair under the sink, that I'm fairly certain has gained rudimentary language skills. The bathroom's more his now. Or hers. I'm inclined to think of it as a male because it pees standing up.

Billing, I'm not that bad at. You plug numbers into the computer and it does all that addition stuff for me. The only bad part is that our prices have changed and oh, big surprise, the boss man was so keen on getting out of here he didn't let the clients know! So now who looks like the bad guy when the costs end up being higher than they thought? ME.

I oughtta bill them double and then when I cave and halve the price, I look like a swell guy. "Why thanks, Matt-Man, here take these extra lingerie models that we have laying around. What a swell guy."

As for the phone, Y'see, my problem is I get bored with the sound of my own voice. I'll be halfway through a sentence and realize it was all just a terrible idea and mumble my way out. So it's like, "HI THIS IS MATTHEW, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WERE INTERESTED in getting this thing we're selling anditsprettycool, but whatever...mummmmble, mummble, mumble...."

Just horrible. But the bitch of it is that right when I get into the swing of things, the boss man will returneth and I cant' build on any of these skills until next year when he decides to mule coke out of Ecuador or whatever he's doing.

Odd Age

2008-08-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched an episode of Frontline about aging and the burgeoning 85+ population in America. Check it out here.

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/livingold/view/

Anyway, I only watched a bit of it because I was drunk off my tits, but I think I got the gist. Old age is going to suck, dude!

With the passing of Estelle Getty, I think it's starting to dawn on me that I won't be a good looking 20 year old forever. Soon I will get gray hair, dementia, and an AARP card. And it sucks! I didn't even get to do a threeway or nothing! What's the point of being in your 20's and not engaging in a threeway? I'm asking!

I guess like a lot of you, I figured modren technology and science would be caught up by the time I turned 70 and I could go on and on with a cybernetic hip and a heart made from a hybrid pig/ape. But that's looking increasingly unlikely.

One of my final memories of my grandfather ("Pappy") was during a summer day when he treated us grandkids to ice cream after working in his garden. He got this tub of Sherbet from the freezer and starting scooping it into bowls. There were 5 of us, but he kept shoveling ice cream into bowls, soon the table had at least 12 bowls of ice cream, and he showed no signs of stopping. To put it politely, he had gone soft in the head.

If this had happened now, I would have wrestled that ice cream scoop out of his wrinkled hands, but as I was but a child, I ate a shitload of ice cream because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. To this day, the sight of sherbet brings tears to my eyes. I can't even walk into a Baskin Robbins without breaking into retching sobs. (It's true, I wouldn't even go in there if not for their scrumptious ice cream coffees.)

The fact is that as of this moment I dread old age more than death. If only I could get a new indestructible body. And lived on the moon. With Jennifer Connelly. and a talking dog. and rocket jeans. and....oh jeez, the dementia's already starting!

Roomies

2008-07-31T22:58:00.001-07:00

My brother is visiting this week. He's surprisingly easy to live with. Unlike Dr. Girlfriend he doesn't seem to want to do anything. I'm not pestered with requests to "go for a walk" or "take out the recycling" or "eat at that new Thai place." Just shove a PB and J sandwich in front of him and he's good. He's hooked up to that Xbox 360 like Keanu in that Matrix pod.

Which is not to say one roommate is better than the other. When Dr. Girlfriend was around I felt like I did more with my life than just: sleep,work, jack off, eat, do a number 2, jack off, shower..... Not necessarily in that order, but you get the point. It was more what Dr. Phil would call a "complete life."

I guess I got a little reminder of that kind of life last night when a friend from college visited. I hung out with her and some of her girlfriends and we walked around Santa Monica for awhile. It's weird. Girls don't seem to have a goal when they walk around. There's no mission, the point is just to wander. And they talked almost constantly. It was great, no awkward dead air to fill.

I guess I forgot what that was like to just drift from one sales rack to another, pointing at shiny pretty objects. Plus I felt like a pimp walking around with three ladies. Or at least very pimp-like.

Oh snap, that reminds me I have to buy more Jiffy! peanut butter on the way home. If I don't my bro is going to do this funny thing where he smashes my TV with a hammer.

Salsa Review: Newman's Own

2008-07-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

Paul Newman donates all the profits from selling this salsa to charity. That's a good thing. That's also probably the only good thing about this half-assed attempt at salsa.

This salsa plays it safe. It feels like it's competing to be in the same league as "Pace." It's a safe league. The cow-eyed masses will love it. Unfortunately, that's not what these reviews are about. These reviews are about risk takers and bold innovations in a tired medium. Our expectations of being dazzled by a new salsa have become not unlike the dried red crust left over from a night of heavy dipping. We're all used up. And it takes a lot of scrubbing to get it off. I don't know, the metaphor begins to break down quickly.

We've heard promises of a new age of salsa, but sadly Paul Newman is not the man to usher it in. I got the mild chunky style because that's all the store carried. I think that says something about the blandness of it right there.

As a salsa it's perfectly servicable. It would be fine to dip white bread into while eating your tepid glass of milk. Eating this salsa brings images to mind of a cold dark factory, where salsa is pumped out of a stainless steel vat into clean jars, every one receiving the exact same portions.

Mr. Newman should stick to acting in excellent movies, not disappointing America with a blah salsa. That's not what this country needs right now.

Overall Rating: C-

Gordian Worm Emerging

2008-07-15T15:35:00.001-07:00

Gordian worms live inside beetles and stuff. Here's one emerging from what looks like a cricket. Nasty, nasty.

HELLBOY 2

2008-07-11T16:52:00.000-07:00

Go watch it. It's awesome. Thank you.

Totally Badass

2008-07-08T11:56:00.001-07:00

Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'

Salsa Review: El Pinto

2008-06-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

Imagine my dismay when I learned that this next salsa is also from a restaurant. While not a huge chain (the El Pinto restaurant is situated somewhere in the greater Albuquerque area) it still remains that I chose two restaurant-produced salsas in a row. This faux pas has shamed me greatly and thus the reason for this tardy review.

According to the jar it has won the "Best in the City" award in a 2006 contest, and was created by two men calling themselves "The Salsa Twins." Their real names were either not listed on the jar or I simply can't remember them. They are pictured side-by-side and are most probably conjoined twins. The story of struggling with this physical handicap is a story told in the only language they know: salsa.

And it is a tough story indeed. The spice quickly overpowers the palate, keeping you at an emotional distance. Hiccups may occur. This is a salsa that is not afraid to be hot. Unlike previous entries this one earns the little graphic of the chili pepper. The other ingredients linger beneath this spicy umbrella, and one can't help but feel that if the sauce wasn't so hot, the flavor would be richer. They are angry at the world for marginalizing them, and they will punish it with a mouthful of fire.

So here we come to the great salsa balancing act. Heat vs. flavor. Unfortunately the heat overpowers the other ingredients. I can't help but feel I'm doing this salsa a disservice by not going down the "mild" grade, but when I entered this job I said I would only do the 'hot' flavor, and I stand by that. But the fact that this gives me second thoughts speaks of the possibilities of this particular sauce.

Overall rating : C-

Weird Office Tales : Episode 3

2008-06-12T07:53:00.001-07:00

New episode, y'all! Enjoy! Comment! Share!

Salsa Review: El Torito

2008-06-10T20:01:00.000-07:00

El Torito is named for the series of restaurants that litter our great country like so much plane wreckage. I know I said I'd stay away from the big brands, but I don't think this counts as one. This salsa had yet to grow beyond the shadow of its parent restaurant. Speaking of which, the best salsa I've had has been in Mexican restaurants. So it stands to reason that this salsa will be as great as that served in delightful tiny ceramic bowls.

What is it about the restaurant salsa that makes us voraciously eat it, fighting away the hands of our loved ones for another crispy chip to dunk? Is it the environment? The straw sombreros pinned to the wall? The water served in clear plastic cups? The waiter named Eduardo? What is Eduardo's dark power? What secrets lie beneath that pencil thin mustache?

The vegetables in the salsa were cut finely. It was like eating delicious gravel. And this hot sauce was actually hot. Not surface of the sun hot, but still nice and flavorful. Oft times a sauce will simply be hot for heat's sake. This is not good either.

One negative is that it is robotic in it's flavorfullness. Nothing stands out to distinguish itself from the other good to mediocre salsas.

If you're looking for a good salsa, this is your best bet so far. All that was missing was a pitcher of frozen Margaritas and my girlfriend crying that I have a drinking problem. And Eduardo. Dear sweet Eduardo.

Overall rating: B

Salsa Review 1: Herdez

2008-05-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

Herdez comes to us from the neighborhood Rock 'N Roll Ralph's. I'm sure it can be found at any food market near your own hovel. The bottle is tall and looks like a synthesis of a ketchup bottle and your standard salsa "jar." The image on the front is that of a vast table full of tomatoes, an onion, and a couple of peppers. The tomatoes seem overrepresented. This should have been a warning sign, but more on that later.

What drew me to this particular brand was the lack of market knowledge. I have tasted many of the major brands and found their salsa chops to be lacking. Perhaps through this experiment I can find a little known company that has managed to find "lighting in a bottle." Sadly any hope of succeeding on my first grasp evaporated with my first bite.

I bought the "Hot" strength level. The "heat indicator" bar on the side of the bottle is nearly to the top, the rectangle nearly filled to capacity with yellow. But not completely. The only designations labeled are the standard "Mild" "Med" and "Hot." Is there a hotter Herdez available? Is it like the rare chase cards they release with customizable card games? One "Super Hot" per package of randomly assorted salsas?

It is inconsequential. The first words on the label are in Spanish which I thought would have lent it more authenticity. "Salsa Casera" is at the top followed by "Con Toda Confianza...es Herdez." I don't know what this means nor do I care. I imagine it says "Tomato puree trying to pass as salsa. Jokes on you, Gringo."

The overall taste is bland. Not even the copious amounts of watery chunks of tomato add to the flavor. It is nowhere near "Hot" and would have benefited with some sort of spice like a cayenne pepper or even a marshmallow.

The mixture is clumps of tomato chunks and red water. To pick up a piece with a chip is an aggravating process. The clump will flop out and splash back into the bowl. (for this experiment I used Mission Tortilla Rounds. Their excellent texture and crispiness simply cannot be debated.) Instead, I found myself leaving the chips in the water mess until they became soggy and then ate them, trying to discern some sort of flavor other than vinegary ketchup.

Overall rating: D

We'll try again. I have no intention of giving up on the no-name brands. I still feel there is a diamond in the rough somewhere.

Knitting Factory

2008-05-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

On Saturday Milquetoast and I went to the Knitting Factory down in Hollywood to see some live music. I haven't been there in years, but last Saturday left me scratching my head why I didn't go more often.

And then I remembered: it was the 147 dollar tab at the bar! I could have bought one of those steering wheels for the wii for that much money! Or something vaguely less pathetic. O boy once I get that tab going, everyone is getting a drink! I did buy some drinks for the drummer for the band The Trucks. She was pretty nice. I"m sure my breath wasn't the best which was only exacerbated by the fact that we had to lean in close to talk to each other. They're a pretty cool all-girl band. Check them out.

I'm kicking myself. After the 3rd shot of Stoli, I should have eased into whatever well swill they had behind the bar. Something distilled through a dirty sock from a country that no longer exists.

Breeders

2008-05-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

Did you read this? Apparently a woman in Arkansas is going to have an 18th baby. 18th baby! Why? Why is this allowed to happen? All I can think about are those puppy mills. Her babies all getting locked in corrugated aluminum cages. A grimy water dish changed infrequently. Green algea forming on the bottom.

What's with this family? They're Christians (big surprise) and say they'll keep having children as long as it's God's will. So, I guess they read the newspaper or 6 O'clock news and they feel the answer is MORE people? I personally think you have to be a real sick fuck to even have kids, but accidents happen, whatever....but to knowingly submit not 1, not 5, but 18 children (!) to the never ending shit cycle that is the human experience....words fail me.

I read that they have a TV show. I'm sure that had absolutely nothing to with their decision. (right.) "Little Jedidiah lost his first tooth! That's quality TV! Hey, get them Johnson and Johnson people on the horn maybe we can get some of that marketing money for this! Yee haaww" ( I then imagine the dad shooting his Winchester rifle into the air with a giant boner.)

How loose is her va-jay-jay by the way? I imagine it's loose like the mouth of a tired dog. Is she so freaking hot that the husband can't keep his dong away from that cavernous baby hole? I think not. I think not. Either way, you gots to respect the va-jay-jay. You can't be blowing it out with big-headed babies. Respect!

Jesus, People, I mean, Really

2008-05-03T16:35:00.000-07:00

The page view for episode 2 of "Weird Office Tales" is pathetic. 351? Are you effing shitting me? I need you to post this wherever the fuck you need to post this.

When episode 1 went past 1,000 views we went out to Hooters to celebrate. I need, I crave, a reason to go to Hooters again.

Episode 3 is shot and we're editing it now. It is going to blow your mind out your ass.

On the Bright Side...

2008-04-30T23:55:00.000-07:00

The ruined husk of cars line the highway. Dust covers their once shiny carapaces. The still air hangs warm and muggy. Above, a faded billboard peels away. A lady's face is only half-visible, her eyes hidden. Her smile now a taunt. "Wish you were here..."

The bombs came in the night destroying every person in the world. My survival was owed only to my sudden need to sleep in a lead tube to help with my sleep apnea. Apparently, I was the only man in Los Angeles who had a snoring problem. Lucky me.

Water was in short supply. I had only a half gallon left, most of it gone to keeping my hair shampooed. Probably a mistake, looking back. When help didn't seem to be on the way, I decided to venture out of my apartment. After traipsing around the ruined city for a few days it became painfully obvious there was no one left.

I kicked an empty soda can down the road. It bounced off the side of an upturned Cadillac. The sound reverbrated like a bell. "Well," I sighed, "at least those pretentious pricks in college are dead."

Time Off!

2008-04-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

Episode 3 of "Weird Office Tales" will finish shooting tomorrow. Hopefully. Our shooting schedule has suffered numerous setbacks due to the slew of summer movie releases. If all goes according to plan, this will the first 2 day weekend I've had in months. Two days off? What ever will I do with all the time?

Free time is usually a bad thing for me because I tend to punish my body with all manner of toxic chemicals. Whiskey helps while away the hours, but I have a nagging feeling I should be doing something more constructive with my time. Perhaps partaking in that "exercise" thing of which I have been hearing a lot of talk.

The empty apartment fills me with dread. The pressure to make the most of the weekend, to squeeze every ounce of fun out of the day is too much. I almost prefer the solid montony of work, my day's activities cemented, 9 hours committed to a function. People will notice if I'm gone. To be is to be perceived. If I sit in my apartment and no one sees me, do I even exist?

Peter Saarsgard SARS Guard

2008-04-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

Poor Kids Do This at The Library

2008-04-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

Snoring

2008-04-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

My snoring has gotten progressively worse over the years. Last night, I was halfway asleep and heard myself snoring, but I didn't know it was me. Of course I thought it was a monster, so I screamed as loud as I could in a bid to scare it off for, like, a minute straight. Well, the police were called and that presented a whole new list of problems. They don't like me too much and use any excuse to have me beaten upon the head.

Bottom line, I need to do something about this snoring. My throat is seriously sore today and I think a main contributing factor is the somnambulist aria I perform nightly in my bedroom. Even surgery is on the table.

The 90's

2008-04-16T02:43:00.000-07:00

I was watching re-runs of "The State" on iTunes tonight and it made me want to vomit. Not because the humor wasn't awesome (which it was), but because it reminded me of where I was in the 90's. The hopes the dreams. The belief that there were really cool people outside my provincial little town. Turns out: Nope! It pretty much sucks everywhere. Kurt Cobain was right. If I had any sense I would have stuck my head in front of a shot gun when I was 15. Just like Arseface.

Comic Book Cave

2008-04-14T17:33:00.001-07:00

It was hot yesterday. I locked myself in my bedroom during the day, huddled around the window A/C like a golem in a deep wet cave. I caught up on my comic books and I can safely say that the "Brand New Day" arc of Amazing Spider-Man officially sucks. It has just bad writing. Mediocre, at best, but I'm not going to dedicate buying 4 issues a month on something that's just "bleh." That's like 16 bucks!

Bad enough that I was forced into this "Brand New Day" story. Straczynski was a damn fine writer, and it was a shame to see him ham-strung by Marvel-wide events. I wonder what stories he would have told if he didn't get caught up in "The Other" or "Civil War" or "Back in Black." ( Well, now he has "Thor" so maybe he can have more free reign there.)

I'm seriously going to cut Spider-Man from my pull list. Holy smokes! Buying comics every month and not having a Spider-Man title? I know, sacriledge right? I've stuck with spidey for awhile, but until they quit effing around and bring back Mary Jane and stop using the movies as official canon then I'm hitting the bricks.

That is until after Chris Bachalo's run next month.

419 Scam

2008-04-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

What the eff, people? That mypace can be a pretty dangerous thing. I got a message from some lady who seemed to be really into my shit. I mean, like, she was in love with me or something. Obviously, she had some sort of mental problem and with such an effusive display of emotion, along with her plaintive calls for me to be her friend, I figured this lady was mondo suicidal.

It wouldn't be the first time.

So, we had some correspondence (I felt it was my responsiblity, you see) and I thought she might really enjoy my company. As it were. Then suddenly the bottom fell out.

She wanted 700 dollars to move some illegal gold from Nigeria.

Treachery! I had unwittingly stumbled upon one of those infamous 419 scams that I see Dateline busting on the television. I never gave the "woman" any personal information, so that's good. But man, it just made me sick. Especially after doing some research on some people who have really had their lives shattered by these confidence men.

The picture of the lady they used on her profile was probably some poor woman they lured to Africa and then robbed, raped, and macheted her. Then used her picture to trick unsuspecting "marks" into wiring them money so they could buy more ape saddles and machetes or whatever they need in West Africa.

I gave them some pretty witty jokes, if I do say so myself, but instead of talking to a real person I was communicating with an office full of sweaty black guys trying to understand all my pop culture references. ( I imagine the leader wearing a red beret and green military uniform for some reason.)

Anyway, I know a lot of lonely guys read this blog because I link to only the hottest dirtiest porn on the web, but be careful out there. These guys have preyed on people who consider themselves to be well educated and savvy.

Moody Blues

2008-04-07T16:09:00.000-07:00

Why do we push away the ones we kind of care about? I don't know the answer to that question. Yesterday as I lay on the floor in my underwear listening to the Capital Children's Choir singing "Desperado"on an endless loop, I couldn't help but think that I was somehow not living my life to its full potential. Sure, I have an almost endless supply of money and the bitches on the street all holla when I roll by, but life has to be more than (my apologies to Mr. Ice Cube) "Money and Bitches."

Dr. Girlfriend went out for coffee nine months ago and hasn't come back, I'm drinking enormous amounts of absinthe, my waistline is growing by the day, and my feet smell horrendous. In short, I'm falling apart. Perhaps I should look for the man they call Jesus. I picked up a couple of Chick tracts at the comic convention. I guess I'll finally make some time to read them. After I get through these collections of Conan comics.

Yeah, Conan. That guy's got his shit together. What would Conan Do?

Today's Spotlight: WHN!

2008-04-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

Have you been reading What Happens Next lately? If not, you should check out their current storyline. Especially if you're a fan of ReBoot, which only the coolest kids are.

Chick Debt

2008-04-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

What's with all these 30-something women with massive debt? It seems everyone I talk to must work 5 jobs just get enough scratch to pay on their Old Navy credit card. And these aren't married chicks either, these are single go-getters. (It's well known that I will not talk to a woman that has ever or is in the process of birthing a child.)

None of my single guy friends have crushing debt. So what's the dilly-o? Just a weird trend I've noticed at the single bars and opium dens.

The End?

2008-04-01T16:09:00.000-07:00

Man, it sucks that a lot of webcomics I used to read are ending, closing up shop. I used to be webcomic reading fiend. Now I just do enough drugs so I can forget that I suck. Well, don't worry true believers because this blog is going nowhere. That's right, I'm stuck on the Interwebs like that rash that's stuck on the tip of your dick!

Speaking of which, I found this link. People dressed in Final Fantasy costumes having sex with each other! Weird, I know.

Subtitled Movie

2008-03-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

A shoutout to Superblog!! for this cool site. I'm not as funny as those guys (?) are.

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING

2008-03-26T18:19:00.000-07:00

This will get funnier every time you watch it.

Weird Office Tales - Episode 2

2008-03-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

Eric Clapton Sucks

2008-03-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

I ripped this from Boingboing.net. Some guy overdubbed Clapton's guitar with his own for some hilarious results. Check it out.

Oldie but a Goodie

2008-03-17T11:55:00.001-07:00

Women Like Flowers

2008-03-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

What's with women authors and flowers? I've been reading a lot of women writers and it seems I can't go two or three sentences without a chrysantheum being involved somehow. Here's a short list:

White Oleander by Janet Fitch - a flower is in the friggin' title, so this one wasn't quite as shocking.
The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards - it seems neither of the main characters can look out a window without seeing a hyacinth whose sweet fragrance reminds her of getting a period or something.
The Secret Lives of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd - Bees pollinate the flower. Read: the bee impregnates the flower against its will.
Three Junes by Julia Glass - This is probably the most egregious example because the author assumes men look at flowers for any amount of time. I don't think even gay men look at flowers. And I say this as a man who has never had any gay man friends.

I think it's because flowers look like vaginas.

Valentine's Day

2008-02-13T15:28:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. What a crock of shit. I think it's ri-goddamn-diculous. I got a couple of Valentine Cards in the mail yesterday (most with cash inside) from a lot of girls, and I don't like it. It's like opening a big fat guilt trip. "Here's 100 dollars, Matthew! What did you get me?" I didn't get you anything! And I didn't ask for anything either. I'll keep the money, because, I mean it would be rude to just send that back unspent.

If I'm going to be romantic, and I'm romantic all over the place by the way, I don't need for the US government to tell me when and how I should be so. That's not why Lincoln shot himself in the head and certainly not why George Washington crossed the Bering Strait!

Weird Office Tales - Pilot

2008-02-07T22:14:00.000-08:00

Please enjoy this video I directed and co-wrote. And acted in. Or don't.

Review: Jerome Tanner's Vice Squad

2008-02-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

Vice Squad tells the haunting vision of a world where adult movies and sex toys are outlawed. Only a band of federal agents known as the Vice Squad stand between order and complete anarchy. But it is shown time and again that these agents are as vulnerable to temptation as the purveyors they are trying to arrest.

Hannah Parker stars as the newest agent brought into this elite crime fighting unit. The tale is bookended by a series of interrogations. She's under suspicion of committing a terrible crime. Has the hunter become the hunted?

I don't know, I didn't really make it all the way through this one, but it's pretty good. Hannah Parker is hottt. And yes, she deserves that extra 't'. I think it's her British accent as well as her propensity to take a high hard one in the face. Something about that accent adds a little class to a big sticky facial.

The story is pretty good for a skin flick, and I always enjoy when the actors have to actually act. What with lines and whatnot. It has a tongue-in-cheek humor, (as well as a tongue in vagina humor) but the sex scenes are completed with gusto.

A fine picture overall.

Prison Break : Season 1

2008-01-16T12:45:00.000-08:00

I finished the first season of Prison Break last night. Good stuff. I felt it got a little too unbelievable in some parts, especially some stuff at the end, but the characters were so interesting, and I wanted Michael and Lincoln to get away so much, that I really didn't mind it. Man, in that last episode, they had to run. A lot.

I wonder if I could survive in prison? Probably not. I ain't a hard enough man. A street enough man.

Achewood Again

2008-01-10T11:48:00.001-08:00

New post coming about a porno I saw the other day. It might become a regular feature. Until, then enjoy this classic:

Bad Dudes - The Motion Picture Event

2008-01-07T13:35:00.000-08:00

Hey, have you checked out Soulfukt! Lately? There's a pretty bad ass script I'm writing based on the most baddest ass (badassest?) game of all time: Bad Dudes. (link)

Happy New Year!

2008-01-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everybody. Let's make this one a good one, okay? Okay?!? Okay.

Her Name is Gia

2007-12-20T00:58:00.000-08:00

Her hair is thick and curly, hanging below her shoulders. She walks towards you with a focused gait--a pro in high heels, and a tiny handbag swinging like a pendulum from her forearm. Her skin is alternatively purple, pink, and blue depending on the shifting light from overhead.

When she sits, she speaks quickly, fast with a compliment: something about your hair. People say she looks like Kate Beckinsale. Muscles are tight and she comes across as overall tense. Her palms are constantly sweating. She laughs at your jokes, but has a hard time hearing every other word. You speak slower, but it may be less your communicative skills and more her unwillingness (inability?) to focus on one thing. The near-constant rap music doesn't help either. Her eyes constantly scan the room of men with their drinks. They are dark shapes in low slung chairs.

Eventually she asks for a dance and you agree. She pulls you along with a clammy hand and speaks to one of the suited men with a clipboard. They stand guard before the entrance to the couches, not a smile among them.

When you remark on her seemingly boundless energy, she matter-of-factly responds that she downed a pot cookie. She can get one for you if you like. If you're cool.

The music starts and she grinds into your pelvis with her bony body. She laughs and doesn't mind your wandering hands. And for the length of a song you let yourself forget she's a professional.

Tip from the Pros

2007-12-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

If you ever have a pistol aimed at Will Smith and Martin Lawrence and they start to bicker back and forth with increasing volume, just shoot them. Odds are its a ruse to get you to drop your guard.

Seasons Greetings

2007-12-08T15:20:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays from Jean Claude Van Damme. (link)

Deep Thought

2007-12-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

I watched a little bit of Deep Throat the other night. Holy cow. Women were kind of busy back in the 70's. Whoops, typo: I meant they were "bushy." They were bushy back in the 70's. And God bless 'em, y'know? Anyway, there's a scene where a lady drinks coca cola out of her own coochie. Holy crap! Do you know how many calories are in a coke? Not to mention mixed with potent pussy juice! I wonder if people even cared about that back then.

FAILURE!

2007-12-03T09:45:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have failed this year's Nanowrimo. But I assure you, not because I ran out of ideas, I just didn't have time. Seriously! I was working like, 14 hour days. It was nuts. I tried even to write at work, but then I forgot I put the paper in my pants pocket. When I finally did laundry I held the crumbled pieces of paper in my hands and I knew that it was all over. This year's challenge would go unfulfilled. Oh well, it was a fun exercise while it lasted.

Novel for 2007

2007-11-05T22:15:00.001-08:00

My entry into the novel writing month is called "The Daemon's Labyrinth." As usual, I will be posting the chapters online, and can be seen here.

MEGA MAN 2 GUITAR JAMS

2007-10-31T14:25:00.001-07:00

The Smell

2007-10-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

I spritzed some of Dr. Girlfriend's body spray on me this morning. It was something green with Vanilla. I miss that crazy woman.

I Was Thinking About This Strip Today

2007-10-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

Nanowrimo

2007-10-26T13:09:00.001-07:00

The time is upon us again: the time to engage in the great marathon of writing a novel in one month. I was hoping to get some more people on board so we can help each other out. Give emotional support, y'know? So far, I've only gotten one taker. If you're intrested, comment below or e-mail me. As usual, I will be blogging the progress of my novel. All other creative pursuits are hereby put on pause. (Although my script has been on pause for about a week already. SHeesh!)

the official site: http://www.nanowrimo.org

Also, when Beowulf comes out in theatres next month. Watch it! It is more awesome than a dinosaur fighting a UFO.

Unicorn Kingdom Club

2007-10-18T10:57:00.001-07:00

Yeah, so I quit posting and only do links. So what? FUCK YOU!

Big Red

2007-10-17T13:37:00.001-07:00

Big Red

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Frank Miller's 60's Batman

2007-10-16T10:23:00.000-07:00

This cracks me up so hard. LINK!

What It Feels Like to Die

2007-10-11T13:59:00.001-07:00

Eventually we must all be reunited with the Force: arrive at the clearing at the end of the path, to use a Gunslinger-ism. Or take a permanent vacation, if you prefer Aerosmith.

You will die. You will die alone, your skin will turn blue, and the last shit you will ever take will ooze from your body. Your loved ones will find you, pantless and spread out amongst your dirtiest porno magazines, an informercial for real estate playing unwatched on the television. A cheering thought, to be sure, but how does it feel?

New Scientist has an article that covers everything from drowning to decapitation. Which one do you prefer? I'm going to have to go with decapitation, but that seven seconds would be a real bitch.

Man, I LOVE This Song

2007-10-07T21:45:00.001-07:00

Click above. Is it good? IS it bad? Only the sages of our time can know.

we need more shadow puppets

2007-10-02T22:43:00.001-07:00

Ugh!

2007-10-01T21:48:00.000-07:00

I just spent 40 minutes looking for pictures of that Bionic Woman nude. There's some happening stuff out there.

How Can God Exist?

2007-09-30T22:49:00.001-07:00

When I have to pay 600 dollars for a new set of tires. What the eff, dude?

I'm At the Point in My Life

2007-09-27T17:17:00.001-07:00

...where I never want to hear Tom Petty's "Freefallin'" ever again. It was a good ride. But now we must go our seperate ways. Good bye, Freefallin'. Enjoy your long days living in Reseda.

Weasel

2007-09-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

If you slice off the top of a weasel's skull and plug in the stripped wires from an NES controller, expecting the A button to make it jump, the B button to make it slash its tail forward in a "Spin Attack." It won't work. The brain is more complicated than that. Those moves have to be programmed in.

Books

2007-09-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

I never take library books to read in the bathroom. I only hope that others are so conscientious. Someone putting their dick on Dickens! Oh Noes!

Sundays Can Kiss My Ass

2007-09-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

The day, not the delectable ice cream treat. I despise Sundays. Work is hanging over my head. I have a pocket full of receipts from all the fun had the night before. Sunday is the retarded brother of Saturday. Saturday has everything going for it. Sleep off a hangover, recharge, and then go back to partying. Sundays are full of chores and shopping at Target with screaming kids. At least I don't have to go to some phoney baloney church.

Soft Spot

2007-09-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

Thing i hate about babies is that soft spot on the top of their head. i'm sure there's a fancy name for it. i hate that goddam thing. I'm always afraid I'm going to punch my finger right through it. right into their soft little baby brains. jesus christ that's awful. i can't even hold a baby. all i think about is that little soft crater on the top of their heads just waiting for me to screw up. i wish no one would have ever pointed it out to me.

but then what if they didn't? what if i was just cradling the little thing and he kind of slipped down and i panicked and my thumb squeezed down a little too hard and squish! holy shit. what could a doctor do about that? would there be any blood? I hate it. hate it, hate it, hate it.