I was invited to go to a rave this weekend. I heard everyone gets real lovey dovey, so the odds of making out with a crazy amount of chicks is appealing, but what if I do some E and end up in my underwear in the middle of a field? I can't go through that again!
Anybody been to one of these? The thought of being packed together with a bunch of sweaty dancers reminds me of that scene in Matrix Reloaded and that feels me with anxiety. Unless...you think Carrie Anne Moss will be there?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
No Soup For Me
Well, the boat tour is over. It was a raging success. If by 'raging sucess' you mean a horrible ordeal. Which it was. I burned through the expense account in one afternoon of attacking the mini bar. And then didn't have anything left to show the seniors a good time. (I think they spent the majority of the sea voyage playing shuffle board and talking about their grand kids or some such nonsense.)
All was for naught anyway. Upon reaching dry land we learned that the line of vanity soups was cancelled due to a large rat being accidently put into a can of minestrone. Well, all for the best I suppose. I still got to keep my upfront money (a whopping $762) and I received a few free trips to the state fairgrounds all across this great nation.
I can't complain.
All was for naught anyway. Upon reaching dry land we learned that the line of vanity soups was cancelled due to a large rat being accidently put into a can of minestrone. Well, all for the best I suppose. I still got to keep my upfront money (a whopping $762) and I received a few free trips to the state fairgrounds all across this great nation.
I can't complain.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Notes from the Soup Cruise
Audiofile from Matthew's voice recorder. Recorded on 3/30/09.
Matthew: "Okay, so we're just going to brainstorm some activities to do on this cruise. Y'know, something fun, but something that won't take a lot of effort."
Frederick: "Well, [the soup company] did budget $5,000 for the activities. You know, with food and set up, drinks..."
M: "Whoa, whoa. Drinks? I am not buying these people drinks. Besides isn't that included with the price of the cruise?"
F: "Not this one. They were discounted tickets on account that it's really just a glorified floating commercial for your soup line."
M: "Pfft! Sure, 'my' soup line."
F: "Are you done?"
M: "No."
F: "Well, since this is a 60's and over crowd..."
M: "Seriously? No hot chicks? Oh this just keeps getting better and better..."
F: "...we have to stay away from strenuous activities."
M: "Oh for Pete's sake let's just do a blind 'guess the flavor of soup' game and be done with it!"
F: "And what will we do the other three days?"
M: "..."
F: "Well?"
M: "Fine! Use the money to buy booze. We'll just liquor them up so they don't know what's what."
F: "Good choice."
M: "And when we get back, I'm going to see about getting you fired."
F: "Nothing would make me happier."
Matthew: "Okay, so we're just going to brainstorm some activities to do on this cruise. Y'know, something fun, but something that won't take a lot of effort."
Frederick: "Well, [the soup company] did budget $5,000 for the activities. You know, with food and set up, drinks..."
M: "Whoa, whoa. Drinks? I am not buying these people drinks. Besides isn't that included with the price of the cruise?"
F: "Not this one. They were discounted tickets on account that it's really just a glorified floating commercial for your soup line."
M: "Pfft! Sure, 'my' soup line."
F: "Are you done?"
M: "No."
F: "Well, since this is a 60's and over crowd..."
M: "Seriously? No hot chicks? Oh this just keeps getting better and better..."
F: "...we have to stay away from strenuous activities."
M: "Oh for Pete's sake let's just do a blind 'guess the flavor of soup' game and be done with it!"
F: "And what will we do the other three days?"
M: "..."
F: "Well?"
M: "Fine! Use the money to buy booze. We'll just liquor them up so they don't know what's what."
F: "Good choice."
M: "And when we get back, I'm going to see about getting you fired."
F: "Nothing would make me happier."
Monday, March 09, 2009
Unneeded Assistance
Well, apparently the soup company makes a better contract than they do a bouillabaisse. I'm doomed, it seems, to let my good name be sullied in this exercise in taste bud evisceration.
A press conference was held last night at the Marriot near the airport. I pulled a Joaquin Phoenix and kept mum the whole time, staring off into space wearing my $500 Ray Bans. The on-hand soup rep fielded all the questions while constantly making apologies for me. Something about "how temperamental artists can be." Fah! He should be apologizing to the American people about this piss they are pawning off as food.
My agent -- well not really an agent, more like a woman who works at the comic book store who I hire to answer the phone for me -- said that the soup company is really starting to play hard ball. Yolanda said if I don't watch it, I'll end up in debtor's prison. (Do they even have that anymore?)
Now to make sure I behave, they've given my a jail keeper. Well, that's what I call him; technically, he's an "assistant." But all he does is hang around and make sure I fulfill all my contractual obligations. His name is Frederick, and he thinks he's going to write scripts about unicorns and make lots of money in the studio system. Oh the deluded fool. If he knew what I knew (that the current script market is literally flooded with unicorn scripts) then he would stop all this foolishness and go back to Westmore, Illinois.
Well, now he's knocking on the bathroom door, I guess I had better go. Something about visiting a local soup kitchen to fling slop at homeless people. God, if they knew how bad this swill tastes they would prefer to starve to death.
A press conference was held last night at the Marriot near the airport. I pulled a Joaquin Phoenix and kept mum the whole time, staring off into space wearing my $500 Ray Bans. The on-hand soup rep fielded all the questions while constantly making apologies for me. Something about "how temperamental artists can be." Fah! He should be apologizing to the American people about this piss they are pawning off as food.
My agent -- well not really an agent, more like a woman who works at the comic book store who I hire to answer the phone for me -- said that the soup company is really starting to play hard ball. Yolanda said if I don't watch it, I'll end up in debtor's prison. (Do they even have that anymore?)
Now to make sure I behave, they've given my a jail keeper. Well, that's what I call him; technically, he's an "assistant." But all he does is hang around and make sure I fulfill all my contractual obligations. His name is Frederick, and he thinks he's going to write scripts about unicorns and make lots of money in the studio system. Oh the deluded fool. If he knew what I knew (that the current script market is literally flooded with unicorn scripts) then he would stop all this foolishness and go back to Westmore, Illinois.
Well, now he's knocking on the bathroom door, I guess I had better go. Something about visiting a local soup kitchen to fling slop at homeless people. God, if they knew how bad this swill tastes they would prefer to starve to death.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Betrayal in the Kitchen of Good and Evil
Damn Augusto! Damn him in the eyes!
I am trying to create a soup here, and he is constantly butting heads with me. Constantly!
Okay, maybe I should back up a bit. The two long island iced teas are not doing their job of calming me down. In fact, I think I feel MORE like driving a 3 foot steel spike through Augusto's fat fucking face.
See, I was hired by a very large soup company, to create a line of vanity soups. Soups that said, "Look out world, this is me, and I have my own ideas about what a delicious soup should be like!" I met with executives and ad men and everyone seemed very excited about this prospect.
The fact that I spent more time with advertising people should have set off some alarms. But I didn't think anything of it. I was too focused on how we were going to create a soup revolution. In my hubris, I had already been thinking of moving up to a line of stews, maybe even...chili.
So, imagine my surprise when I met their head chef and after we posed for a few photos he tried to shoo me away. Shoo! I am not shoo'ed. I am the one who does the shoo-ing.
When I first starting proposing ideas, he listened attentively for awhile, but his whole demeanor was one of a parent listening to a child prattle on about being an astronaut or joining the circus. He was humoring me, but eventually after I refused to notice his oh-so-subtle hints about my leaving, he clapped his hands together and asked to be excused.
But we're not done yet! I exclaimed. We've only discussed the art of the first soup can! What about the radishes! What about the beets!
And then. He. Ignored. Me.
Just kept on walking like he hadn't heard me, which I know goddamn well that he did. I practically yelled it across the kitchen. All the kitchen help (Ivy-league brown nosers) consciously avoided making eye contact as they chopped vegetables and cleaned cutlery.
So, I guess bottom line is that the company just wants me to put the Matthew name on a line of pre-existing soups. They weren't interested in my ideas, just trying to cash in on my celebrity.
Oh! It burns my bacon so bad. All things wouldn't be lost if I could get Augusto on my side, but he's made his bed to sleep with corporate America and knows full well that theirs is the teat he must supple.
I'm meeting with my five lawyers after I'm done here to discuss getting out of this contract. If they aren't serious about soups, then I honestly have no interest in working with them. They can keep their millions.
I am trying to create a soup here, and he is constantly butting heads with me. Constantly!
Okay, maybe I should back up a bit. The two long island iced teas are not doing their job of calming me down. In fact, I think I feel MORE like driving a 3 foot steel spike through Augusto's fat fucking face.
See, I was hired by a very large soup company, to create a line of vanity soups. Soups that said, "Look out world, this is me, and I have my own ideas about what a delicious soup should be like!" I met with executives and ad men and everyone seemed very excited about this prospect.
The fact that I spent more time with advertising people should have set off some alarms. But I didn't think anything of it. I was too focused on how we were going to create a soup revolution. In my hubris, I had already been thinking of moving up to a line of stews, maybe even...chili.
So, imagine my surprise when I met their head chef and after we posed for a few photos he tried to shoo me away. Shoo! I am not shoo'ed. I am the one who does the shoo-ing.
When I first starting proposing ideas, he listened attentively for awhile, but his whole demeanor was one of a parent listening to a child prattle on about being an astronaut or joining the circus. He was humoring me, but eventually after I refused to notice his oh-so-subtle hints about my leaving, he clapped his hands together and asked to be excused.
But we're not done yet! I exclaimed. We've only discussed the art of the first soup can! What about the radishes! What about the beets!
And then. He. Ignored. Me.
Just kept on walking like he hadn't heard me, which I know goddamn well that he did. I practically yelled it across the kitchen. All the kitchen help (Ivy-league brown nosers) consciously avoided making eye contact as they chopped vegetables and cleaned cutlery.
So, I guess bottom line is that the company just wants me to put the Matthew name on a line of pre-existing soups. They weren't interested in my ideas, just trying to cash in on my celebrity.
Oh! It burns my bacon so bad. All things wouldn't be lost if I could get Augusto on my side, but he's made his bed to sleep with corporate America and knows full well that theirs is the teat he must supple.
I'm meeting with my five lawyers after I'm done here to discuss getting out of this contract. If they aren't serious about soups, then I honestly have no interest in working with them. They can keep their millions.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Vanity
Vanity
Current mood: blissful
As regular readers, I'm sure you're well aware that this blog is read by those in the highest echelons of power: the movers, the shakers, titans of commercial and artistic pursuits. So, it will be of no surprise when I announce that I have been contacted by a well-known firm to produce a line of vanity soups.
Those who are aware of how these things work, know that I cannot disclose the name of the company without falling in breach of a non-disclosure agreement. Let me just say that it rhymes with pambell's moop.
But enough of such wearisome matters; what truly interests you, what you really want to know is: what flavor soups will come out on the "Matthew's Krazy Kitchen" line! (That name will probably change after I market test it.)
As I am a devotee of root-based vegetables, the first will be a carrot/ lime pea number with clam sauce. Next will be a turnip soup with turkey bacon bits. That a potato soup with flakes of shaved coconut will be made is, of course, a foregone conclusion.
I'm still dabbling with an onion / beet combo, but I'm flummoxed when thinking of a proper "binding food." It will come in time, I suppose, as I still have ample opportunity while my lawyers work out the details of the deal.
Each container of soup will come in a reusable crystal bottle, shaped like Percy's titular character in his poem "Ozymandias." (This symbolizes the enduring power of soup.) To reuse the bottle, one will simply visit any ARCO gas station or Love's Truck Stop and refill it from a convenient vending machine. Just look for the logo with the smiling Armadillo.
Current mood: blissful
As regular readers, I'm sure you're well aware that this blog is read by those in the highest echelons of power: the movers, the shakers, titans of commercial and artistic pursuits. So, it will be of no surprise when I announce that I have been contacted by a well-known firm to produce a line of vanity soups.
Those who are aware of how these things work, know that I cannot disclose the name of the company without falling in breach of a non-disclosure agreement. Let me just say that it rhymes with pambell's moop.
But enough of such wearisome matters; what truly interests you, what you really want to know is: what flavor soups will come out on the "Matthew's Krazy Kitchen" line! (That name will probably change after I market test it.)
As I am a devotee of root-based vegetables, the first will be a carrot/ lime pea number with clam sauce. Next will be a turnip soup with turkey bacon bits. That a potato soup with flakes of shaved coconut will be made is, of course, a foregone conclusion.
I'm still dabbling with an onion / beet combo, but I'm flummoxed when thinking of a proper "binding food." It will come in time, I suppose, as I still have ample opportunity while my lawyers work out the details of the deal.
Each container of soup will come in a reusable crystal bottle, shaped like Percy's titular character in his poem "Ozymandias." (This symbolizes the enduring power of soup.) To reuse the bottle, one will simply visit any ARCO gas station or Love's Truck Stop and refill it from a convenient vending machine. Just look for the logo with the smiling Armadillo.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Paint Job
How the hell do you paint on plastic? I had a guy at work ask me to do a project for him which involved painting on plastic. Now, I don't have much experience painting. Period. Much less painting on various plastic surfaces. I told him as much, but he needed it in a hurry and his usual guy couldn't turn it around in less than a month. I did it in a few days and it looks like something an 8 year old would do. I might as well have used crayon on this thing. Plastic!
They're pieces of an ATV or something. He wanted a racing stripe and the words "Seabass" on it. I used Acrylic paint, but it just looks bad. Just bad. He probably won't even pay me for it.
Well, whatever, I was doing him a favor. I got a shit ton of other projects to work on. I can't be painting some lame job on a redneck seqway! That's what he gets for believing in me! Caveat Emptor!
They're pieces of an ATV or something. He wanted a racing stripe and the words "Seabass" on it. I used Acrylic paint, but it just looks bad. Just bad. He probably won't even pay me for it.
Well, whatever, I was doing him a favor. I got a shit ton of other projects to work on. I can't be painting some lame job on a redneck seqway! That's what he gets for believing in me! Caveat Emptor!
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